SCOXE Wars - Pt 1 of many...  Msg: 238556    by: diogenese19348 

 
“So what is today’s story about?”, asked Flagon.

“The Star Wars SCOXE spoof”, I mumbled.

“SCOXE?”

“Yeah, buy four letters, get one free”

Flagon snorted. “OK, so who plays what?”

“Well, Darl is Dar-Dar Dinks, BillG is the emperor, and Yarro is Yado”

“Yado?”

“Yoda, Yarro, you know?”

“Cute”, Flagon lied, “so who plays Vader?”.

“Well I have a lot of people asking for that part.”

Flagon yawned, and reduced a nearby mountain into molten rock.

“On the other hand, you seem to have a unique handle on the ‘Force’”

Flagon donned her best black outfit.

“Attending somebody’s funeral?”, I enquired.

“Do not fail me again sorcerer”

“Um, right”, I gulped. “Shall we get on with this…

Just then a deranged looking individual wearing robes wandered by.

“O, like WOW dude, seen any ‘droids? Or Frogs, whatever?”

“Er, no, and you might be?”

“Luke Toadlicker. I gotta save the galaxy from the evil Linuxseseses. Yado told me so”

“Well this is getting out of hand in a hurry”, Flagon commented.

“I gotta find Obiwagadugi”, Luke continued.

“Don’t you have to find the droids before you know that?”, I pointed out.

“O WOW dude, it’s like déjà vu all over again”

I turned to Flagon for help.

“Hey, you got yourself into this, you get yourself out”, she shrugged.

Luke proceeded to pull a small amphibian from his pocket and, um, er… never mind. Too gross.

Fortunately, for us, we were distracted by a spaceship crash landing behind us.

The pilot, and a large hairy whatever wandered out of the ship. The hairy thing said something incomprehensible. We turned to the pilot. “You will have to excuse the BIFF”, he said.

“Say no more”, commented Flagon.

“O, like WOW”, Luke added. “SLURP”

We cringed.

“So, er, what was your name again?”, I asked the pilot.

“I can’t wait for this one”, Flagon commented.

“Mac”, he commented.

“And you are big into piloting right?”, I enquired.

“Dio, continue this discussion, and I will kill you, OK?”, Flagon said.

The board agreed.

“So does that ship crash much?”, I asked.

“Yeah, around twice a day?”, Mac said.

“Really? What model is it?”, I enquired.

“It is a Microspace Falcon, Millennium Edition”, Mac replied. “But I am thinking of replacing the Intergalectic Explorer navigation system with Firefox”

Just then a small, slimy, decrepit individual wandered up. “Mine it is”, it said.

“Huh?”, I asked.

“Mine it is. Stock I issued myself I did”

“Er, what is yours?”

“Everything. All is mine”

“Yado. It figures”, Flagon commented.

“Like WOW”, Luke concluded. We all ignored him.

--Heh, To be continued. I have to work everybody into this after all, don’t I
--SCOXE wars Pt 2 - In search of Droids :  Msg: 238673

This is a 10 part or so series spoofing Star Wars, SCOX(E) vs. the world, and the strangeness on this board. Since this series does build on earlier parts, I will list them all in order at the top of the new post. (If I used a summery instead I wouldn’t have any room for a new story, Yahoo space limitations being what they are).

“Well, I will catch up with you later”, Mac said, as he climbed back into the Falcon. “Coffee?”

The Falcon Millennium Edition took off, a bit unevenly, and um “landed”, in a “controlled decent into terrain” kind of way at the spaceport.

“I hope he takes the time to install Firefox in that thing before we have to take a ride in it”, Flagon commented.

“What ‘we’ might you be referring to Flagon. You are Darth Flagon remember? You never have to ride in that thing.”

“Never is a good time for that”, Flagon concluded. “Now what?”

We turned to look at Luke who was heavily engaged in an animated discussion with invisible aliens from the planet Dweeb.

“It doesn’t work boss, the residents of Dweeb really ARE invisible”, Flagon pointed out.

“Right, but there aren’t any here, which is why we send cases like this to that planet. If they really are talking to invisible aliens, you can’t call them crazy anymore”

“One question Dio, I thought Linux was the alliance, and the Evil Empire was Microsoft in this one”

“Correct”

“Then why is Luke against Linux? I thought he was on the alliance’s side”

I gazed over at Luke, who was suddenly enthralled in the granularity of sand. “Flagon, what is the best way Luke can help Linux?”

Flagon thought, then got it. “S’OK. So what is next?”

Luke needs to find the droids, then Obiwagadugi.

“Luke could not find his butt with both hands even if we placed them there.”

“Want to bet”, I said pointing to the two parallel tracks in the sand.

“Fine, so how are you going to get him to follow them?”

“Hey Luke!”, I called, “Look here, this appears to be the tracks of a Giant Cane Toad”

“O WOW man!”, a newly invigorated Luke said, and started following the trail.

“Some things are too easy”, Flagon remarked, as we started off after him.

A short time later we caught up with the two missing droids, a short squat work droid, and a tall golden droid.

“Hello, I am BR3N, human-BIFFie translator, and this is S2D2, a Saline-Canine corporation droid that is modified to work well in cold places.”

S2D2 let out a series of whistles, clangs, and whirs.

“Like, he said ‘nice to meet you’ man”, Luke explained.

“You can understand him?”, Flagon asked suspiciously.

“Of course, he was speaking ancient netware. Can’t you understand it?”, Luke replied (SLURP)

“That probably helps too”, Flagon added dryly. “How about you BR3N? Can you really understand BIFFian logic?”

“No”, BR3N replied. “I only said I could translate him. I never said I understood him”

“Fair enough”, I remarked. I believe the next item on the agenda is finding Obiwagadugi. You folks happen to know where he is?”

“We were heading that way”, BR3N said.

“Carry on then”. The droids started off. “Hey, Luke, look, more Giant Cane Toad tracks!”. Luke ambled off after the droids, Flagon just shook her head as we started off after him.

--SCOXE Wars Pt 3 - Obiwagadugi : Msg: 238908

The odd party consisting of a Soberer, a dragon, two droids, a lunatic and his “pets” marched across the desert to the mountains.

“Soberer?”, commented Flagon. “Oops, make that ‘Sorcerer’”, I corrected. “I KNEW that first one couldn’t be right”, Flagon muttered under her breath.

At the top of a hill was a cave, and at the mouth of the cave was a man renowned for his grasp of the wisdom of the ages. An ancient sage, a gift to the universe , a...

“Hey Stats, how’s it hanging?”, Flagon said. “Glad to finally meet a humanoid in this story who has an IQ higher than cold oatmeal”.

“Wait a minute, I’m in this story”, I protested.

Flagon just gazed skyward and whistled tunelessly.

“So you must be Obiwagadugi”, I said to stats_for_all.

“If you insist. I have not been called that in a long time”, stats replied.

“Really, how long?”, asked Flagon.

“Never”, replied stats.

“Really, that is when I get to fly in the Falcon, Millennium Edition, so we have something in common”, Flagon replied.

“So do you mind me asking why you made the trip up the mountain?”, Obiwagadugi asked.

“Actually, I am not sure”, I replied. “It was Luke’s idea, more or less”

“We were following the droids, more like their idea”, Flagon corrected.

“Yes, but it was Luke’s idea to follow the droids, and he somehow also knew they would lead us to Obiwagadugi”

“Yes, the force is strong in his family”, Obiwagadugi said.

“Strong? As in Drugs?”, Flagon asked.

“AWESOME”, Luke announced.

“What is awesome Luke?”, queried Flagon.

“These mushrooms. I have been looking all over for them!”

“Great, now he can hallucinate in stereo”, Flagon griped.

Just then, S2D2 popped open a camera, and started running a hologram movie.

“Great, pass the popcorn”, Flagon commented.

“Help me Obiwagadugi, you’re our only hope”. The hologram was of a woman, who placed a rolled up scroll into S2D2.

“Hey, isn’t that Princess Anakareena”, Luke remarked.

“Danged, a rational thought! How long does his brain cell take to recharge?”, Flagon asked.

“About 2 hours, in other words, sometime next episode”, Obiwagadugi remarked. “The question though is how do we retrieve that scroll. I don’t suppose you guys thought of bringing a screwdriver?...”

“If you need that droid torn apart, I believe I can handle it”, Flagon offered.

“No, I want it in one piece and operational, I will try the secret PJ code”, Obiwagadugi said, and proceded to rap out “Shave and a hair cuts, two bits” on S2D2's noggin.

There was a whirring, a secret door popped open, and the scroll popped out.

“Bogus man!”, Luke said, then passed out in the corner.

Obiwagadugi opened the scroll. “It appears to be a schematic... Of a very, very large space station. With a huge dingus”

“Dingus?”, Flagon asked.

“Primary weapon. Also a gaping loophole right here. Someone dropping a bomb down this hole will blow the thing up.”

“The approach looks well guarded”, Flagon said, looking over his shoulder.

“True, only a complete moron would attempt it”, Obiwagadugi agreed. In the corner, Luke started snoring. We all turned to look at him. “Fortunately, I know where we can find one of those”. Obiwagadugi mused.

“So does the space station have a name”, I asked.

“Yes, it is called the ‘Baystar’”

--You folks DID all see that coming, right?
--(Grin - to be continued)
--SCOXE Wars Pt 4 - The Trek : Msg: 239457

Obiwagadugi re-rolled the scroll, and placed it back in S2D2. “It is as safe a place as any”, he sighed, as he opened up a trunk, and retrieved some equipment. “Well, let’s go”.

“Fine, but go where?”, I asked.

“That scroll needs to be taken to the rebel alliance so they can mount an attack on the Baystar. If the Empire figures out we have it, they will kill us very dead. We should strive to be somewhere else at the time.”

“Great, so how do we get off planet?”, I asked fretfully, somewhat guessing the answer.

“There is only one space port. We must make our way to it.”

“Do you have a ship there?”, I asked, dreading the answer.

“No, we will need to hire a ship and a pilot.”

Flagon and I turned and looked at each other. “Better you than me kimosabe” I shrugged.

“Oh, and we will need sleeping beauty”, Obiwagadugi said, pointing at the inert form of Luke.

“I have to ride in the Falcon ME, you get to carry him there”, I remarked to Flagon. “Fair enough”, she agreed, and hoisted him over her shoulder.

“The dragon can fly us there, correct?”, Obiwagadugi asked hopefully.

“Can and should are too different things. You know any way she can do that inconspicuously?”, I replied.

“It doesn’t hurt to ask”, Obiwagadugi said in a resigned voice. “Time to trot bwana”. We proceeded across the desert.

After a while, we noticed smoke on the horizon. “That strikes me as a good place not to be”, Obiwagadugi observed.

Flagon sniffed. “Nah, trail is cold. Whatever happened, the perps are long gone”. We traveled toward the smoke, and eventually came upon a large, tracked, former vehicle, whose former owners were comfortably “pining for the fjord”, in various and sundry states of dismemberment.

Luke revived enough to spout “spam people”, and lapsed into a coma again.

“No,” Obiwagadugi observed. “Storm Troopers. Spam people do not travel in that formation. They tried to make the attack look like Spam”

“Any idea what they were after?”, I asked.

“Unfortunately yes. These merchants sold driods,” Obiwagadugi stated.

“Oops”, understood Flagon.

“I think walking will be just fast enough to get us killed. Dragon, are you sure you cannot fly us there?”, Obiwagadugi asked.

Luke revived. “Speeder”.

“What,” asked Flagon.

“I have a speeder,” Luke mumbled.

“Then why did we walk all that way”, Flagon asked, starting to get annoyed.

“No insurance”, “Oh”
“No license”, “Oh”
“No registration”, “Oh”
“Parked it in a ditch”

“Frankly, since what we are engaged in is classified as ‘treason’, I am not sure any of those are insurmountable problems”, Obiwagadugi observed. “So where is the speeder?”

“Back at the farm”, Luke drooled.

“Flagon, I believe you can put him down now”, Obiwagadugi said. Flagon was only too happy to oblige.

“OK, Luke, heaven help us but you are the only one who knows where we are going. Lead on”, Obiwagadugi said.

Luke lurched leftward, we followed.
“I hope it isn’t far”, Flagon commented.

“While you are at it, hope the Storm Troopers are not waiting for us there”, Obiwagadugi remarked.

We trudged on in silence.

--SCOXE Wars Pt 5 Look at the Wookie : Msg: 240184

We trudged onward. Again there was smoke on the horizon.

“Flagon?”, Obiwagadugi queried.

“Long Gone”, Flagon replied.

We approached what was left of the farm. It was a wreck. Broken equipment lay everywhere, as well as two very defunct humanoids.

“Luke, I think your relatives bought the farm”, I observed.

“Of course they did, I told you they owned it... OH NO!”

He ran past the bodies to a small pond behind the farm, er hovel.

“NO! THE FIENDS! THEY KILLED THEM!”

“Killed what? I asked confused”

“His frogs”, Obiwagadugi observed. “Phyllodytes melanoystax is a epiphyte frog from the Bahia forests of coastal Brazil. Bahia forest ranks as the most endangered tropical habitat in the world. Phyllodytes males have unique fangs, and aggressively defend bromelliad tanks, the little pools at the center of epiphytes festooning trees. Females take the tadpoles on their backs, moving them to singly to unoccupied tanks. Security through obscurity.”

“Well that is more than I wanted to know on the subject”, remarked Flagon. “Luke about the speeder. We best be leaving”

Luke still sobbing, pointed to a ravine to our left.

Obiwagadugi, Flagon, and I wandered over. “A ditch? Flagon observed. “He ran the thing over a cliff”.

“Yeah, but it appears to be in one piece”,. I pointed out.

“The MarkV speeder is a remarkably well constructed craft, with an advanced cushioning anti-gravity system. They also contain front and side sudden de-acceleration buffers, making them the vehicle of choice for drivers with, er, delayed anti-collision reaction times”, Obiwagadugi lectured.

“Whatever”, remarked Flagon. “How do we get it out of there?”

“I will levitate it using forces of nature”, I replied.

“No, I will use the force itself to do the levitation”, Obiwagadugi corrected.

“No, allow me”, I said.

Flagon climbed out of the ravine with the speeder and set it down. “Enough with arguing over the check. Gents, shall we?”

“But who shall drive?”, Obiwagadugi asked.

“Anybody but Luke.”, Flagon remarked, then saw Obiwagadugi and I were about to get into another discussion. “Strike that. Obiwagadugi, you drive, you know the way. I call shotgun. Dio and Luke in the back seat, and the droids in the cargo area.”

Our party assembled itself in the speeder, and we started off. All was quiet until we reached the checkpoint at the space port. Two StormTroopers waved us to a stop. “Papers”, they ordered. Obiwagadugi produced them.

“OK, what about the droids?”, the lead StormTrooper asked. “We are looking for a pair that match their descriptions”

“These are not the droids you are looking for”, Obiwagadugi intoned.

“Never mind that. What are their DIN’s?” (Droid Identification Numbers)

“These are not the droids you are looking for”, Obiwagadugi intoned a bit more deeply.

The StormTroopers started to draw their weapons. “OK grandpa...”

“Look at the Wookie!”, Flagon screamed, pointing.

The StormTroopers turned. “Where?”

Obiwagadugi got us out of there in the confusion.

“Mind control a bit rusty?”, Flagon asked. “Mmph”, Obiwagadugi replied.

--SCOXE Wars Pt 6 Crawling In My Skin :  Msg: 240721

“We need to find a pilot and a ship”, Obiwagadugi stated.

Flagon and I looked at each other. I gulped.

“You got a plan O wise one?”, I asked.

“There is a bar just off the landing. It’s a dive, but we can find who we are looking for there.”

“Does it have a name?”

“scox_on_the_rox”

Obiwagadugi drove us there. It was a seedier side of the space port of course. We left the speeder, never expecting to see it again, and entered the, um, establishment. There was live music playing of course. A seedy, third rate group called “Boies in the Band”

We approached the bar with some trepidation. The bartender, a guy named Boyl_m_owl (And I did NOT want to know how he got that name. Just the thought of it brought a Firesign to my Theater) wiped a dirty, greasy rag across the counter, and asked “So wadda ya want?”

“Water”, Flagon said. “And I want to see where you get it from”.
“Beer”, ordered Obiwagadugi.
“Got any toads?”, Luke asked.
“Oil”, requested the droids.
“So what is the house special drink my good man?”, I asked. All of a sudden the room went quiet.

“Same as da name of da bar. Scox_on_the_rox”

“Bring it on. I feel adventurous tonight”

There was an ominous silence as Boyl_m_owl prepared our refreshments.

“Dio, perhaps you should have asked about the ingredients”, Flagon pointed out. I just waved her off.

Owl placed everybody’s requests in front of them. Mine was a large smelly bubbling brown drink that smelled like... Er, it smelled bad. My party immediately became engrossed in their own orders. The rest of the bar patrons were engrossed in me.

“Um, you saw me drink this already”, I tried. “I mean, this is not the drink you are looking for”

Obiwagadugi snickered.

“LOOK AT THE WOOKIE!”, I screamed.

No dice.

“Er, Flagon?”

“Looks like you are going to have to drink it”, she didn’t help.

“Flagon, there is stuff squirming in it!”, I pointed out. She shrugged.

Fortunately for me, Luke chose that time to get himself in trouble. Bless his addled little brain.

A regular named Commie Crusher took exception to him. “I don’t like you”, it pointed out.

“Blurb?”, Luke suggested.

It pointed to it’s friend. “QNC does not like you either, and it is dangerous”

“I will be careful”, Luke promised.

“You will be dead freak”, QNC screamed.

Flagon pushed Luke aside. “You will have to go through me to get to him”

“Fine by us”, the Crusher said. Bad move. Flagon flame broiled them.

“I was supposed to use my light saber you know”, Obiwagadugi pointed out.

Flagon shrugged. “One way or another”, she said, observing the smoking ruins.

I took the opportunity to ‘accidently’ knock my drink over. “Oops” I added.

Owl was immediately at my elbow. “Happens all the time”, it pointed out. “Here is a fresh one”

“Gee, thanks mack”, I lied, then I spotted him. “Mac, GOOD to see you!”

“Coffee?”, Mac asked.

“Yes please!”, I enthused, leaving the house special behind.

The rest of the party followed cautiously.

“This would be?”, Obiwagadugi asked.

“A pilot, and he has a grand ship, and he can take us where we need to go”, I enthused, as I drank the proffered coffee.

Flagon just shook her head.

“What kind of ship?” Obiwagadugi interrogated.

-- SCOXE Wars Pt 7 1Stp Klsr to BS : Msg: 240795

“You want transport, I got it”, slimed Mac. “But before we discuss it further, show me the money”

“We can give you a speeder”, Obiwagadugi said.

“Where is it parked?”, Mac asked.

“Outside the bar”, Obiwagadugi replied.

“Right. So what else you got?”, Mac asked. “A couple of used droids, couple of toads, idiot boy, a wizard with ‘limited’ experience, and a dragon. I have got to admit the dragon is interesting...”

“How about 5 billion in Imperial Credits”, Flagon asked, pulling out her PDA.

“Yeah right honey, like you can make that happen, Mac smirked.

“Check your account”, Flagon replied. “And don’t call me honey”

Mac pulled out his PDA and checked. “HOLY SH... er, well BIG OK”

“Well folks, you have apparently booked passage on the Falcon ME. Welcome aboard. Little Lady, you joining us?”

Flagon looked annoyed, as usual “How long is it going to take for you to call me something that does not offend me Mac?”, she asked. “And I have my own transport. Imperial Star Destroyer”

“Playing both sides of the fence are we sweetie? Shaved or unshaved?”, Mac replied.

I checked my asbestos long underware for rips. No use being caught in the overkill. I smelled the smell, but the flames did not happen.

“Be happy little man, that I need you. Do not fail me”, Flagon said, and dropped a CD on the table. “Use this, you need to get to hjweth”

“Map?”, I asked.

“Ship operating system. You think you could get to hjweth on ME? Gag me. It is a copy of Knoppix ver 1000.14"

Mac grabbed the CD. “Works for me. Shall we folks?”

We went our separate ways, pausing just slightly to look at our speeder, which was now up on blocks, with the antigravity unit, radio, battery, and engine removed.

“O WOW man, do you realize how many payments I have left on that?”, Luke said, bewildered.

“You are dead either way kid, don’t sweat it”, Mac shrugged.

We trudged on to the Falcon. The Biffie greeted us. “WAAOOOO”

“He said, ‘byte the wax tadpole’”, BR3N translated.

“I can see a real downside in this”, Obiwagadugi remarked. “Anyway to turn that droid off?”

“I can think of a couple”, Mac said.

We went inside. Mac inserted the disk. The lights went on, and the engine started up “This is a good thing”, Mac commented.

We had lift off. And we were not getting shot at. Life was good.

Mac flipped the switch, and we went into hyperdrive. So far, so good.

Obiwagadugi went into a spasm. “What?”, I asked.

“I felt a disturbance in the force. It was delisted”, Obiwagadugi said.

“What was?”, I asked.

“hjweth. It is gone. Along with 2 billion people”, Obiwagadugi said.

Just then we came out of hypoerdrive. There was nothing in front of us.

“That was supposed to be a planet”, Mac pointed out.

“Well there is a moon over there”, BR3N pointed out.

“Oh.... crap” Obiwagadugi said.

“Yeah that ain’t no moon”, Mac pointed out.

“WOOOW”, Biffie said.

“Which means?”, I asked.

“To Teh Moon”, BR3N translated. “We are caught in a tractor beam. We are about to enter the Baystar”

-- SCOXE War Pt 8 The Belly of the Baystar : Msg: 240948

“Anyway to break free?”, I asked.

“Sure, it just mangles the ship and it’s contents. That would be us”, Mac said. “The Empire doesn’t care about us anyway. Let’s just ride this out, take our wrist slap, and be off”

“It isn’t that simple”, Obiwagadugi pointed out. “First, we witnessed them destroying a planet...”

“We didn’t witness it. It was gone when we got here”, Mac rebutted.

“Either way, they may not want that news out”, Obiwagadugi continued. “Second, we have the droids, and the Empire is looking for them”

“So give them to them”, Mac snapped.

“And they will jail us forever just on general principle”

“Jettison them then”

“They will only fish the droids out of space, and we are in the same dilemma.

“That appears to be your problem. I only provided transport, you never told me what was being transported”

S2D2 made a series of high pitched sqeals. “Oh my”, BR3N translated. “It seems S2 has been in communication with the Falcon. Mr. Mac here apparently runs a smuggling operation, and has several Imperial warrants out for his arrest. In addition, a certain Didio the Hutt is very interested in his whereabouts.”

“Hey, did you have a court warrant to go snooping?”, Mac snarled at S2.

“It hardly matters”, Obiwagadugi pointed out. “You can not afford to be captured any more than we can. Any other ideas?”

“Just one. And it doesn’t stand much of a chance, but it is the best we got”, mused Mac.

“That would be?”, I asked.

“We hide. The droids are right, this is a smuggling ship, and there are secret compartments”, Mac explained.

“And you don’t think it would work, why?”, I asked.

“They know the ship was piloted here. They will keep searching until they find somebody”

“He’s right of course”, Obiwagadugi admitted.

“Maybe. It is the only chance we have though”, I pointed out. “We could leave one person out who could claim to have piloted the ship.”

“Who? I ain’t no hero”, Mac sneered.

“Duh. It can’t be Obiwagadugi, he knows to much. It can’t be the droids, it can’t be Luke...”

“Why not?”, Mac asked, then observed Luke was mesmerized with the blinking lights on the control panel.

“Oh WOW”, Luke drooled.

“And I wouldn’t put the Biffie in that position”, I concluded.

“WEEEOOOO!”, the Biffie howled.

“He said thanks”, BR3N translated. “He also said ‘I am a jelly donut’”.

“Sounds like you are volunteering for the job Dio”, Obiwagadugi mused.

“I am not any happier about it than you are”, I replied.

“Is Flagon here yet?”

“I don’t know.. Too much interference from the Baystar to tell.”

“If Flagon is there?”

“Then we best all hide. She can take care of making sure we are not found”

“If she isn’t?”

“Then I need to have piloted the ship for us to have any chance at all”

“They will make you talk you know”

“Yeah, hopefully you guys will be out of here by then”

“Occasionally one has to make a sacrifice for the good of all”, Obiwagadugi mused. “I don’t think this is the time. We all hide. And we better do it now”, he concluded as metal clanged against metal.

What could we do? We hid.

-- SCOXE Wars Pt 9 10,000 Years Later : Msg: 241194 , Msg: 241197

No sooner had we scrambled into the secret compartment, and slammed it shut, then the cargo doors of the Falcon slammed open. From the sounds of it, Storm Troopers were pouring in. A heavy set of footsteps clambered aboard behind them. The heavy footsteps moved forward, then stopped on our panel, which bulged under the weight.

“Search everywhere. I want whoever is on this ship found”, Flagon said in a James Earl Jones type voice.

“Yes Lord Flagon, we will not fail you”, specialist 1st class peragirn promised.

“See that you don’t”, Flagon said ominously.

“What the hell is going on?”, whispered Mac.

“It is very simple. Flagon is making sure the entire ship is carefully searched”, I replied.

“Except for the spot she is standing on”, pointed out Obiwagadugi

“O WOW”, Luke said, not comprehending at all.

“Do you folks think you can possibly make any MORE noise”, Flagon hissed. I put a hand over Luke’s mouth. Obiwagadugi shut off BR3N. We waited in silence.

Eventually they finished searching. “We found nothing”, peragirn reported.

“How very interesting”, scathed Flagon. “To find nothing, and at that distance. Did you think this ship flew itself here?”

“N-n-n-o”, stammered peragirn.

“So did you find anything at all useful?”

“Yes Lord Flagon. We found this ship is registered to a Captain Mac BigOK. He is a known smuggler. Apparently his last shipment was hallucinogenic frogs. We found one in the control cabin.”

Luke quickly checked his pockets and started to mumble. I clamped my hand harder over his mouth.

“We also believe he dropped a shipment at his last port. He was paid $5 billion from a shady source.”, peragirn continued.

“Good. Anything else?”, Flagon responded.

“Yes, his ship took off under mysterious circumstances, and there was a class one alert for two droids on the planet at the time”

“Yes, that fits the pattern. The droids had information the rebels needed. He would bring them here. He may have dropped off that payload also. If it was to hjweth, well, there is nothing left of him to find. You have done well peragirn, it will be mentioned in my report to the Emperor”.

“Thank you Lord Flagon. Shall I post an extra guard around the ship?”

“No, if there is no one on it, it is not needed, Shift change is still at 23:00?”

“Yes Lord Flagon”

“Inform me if anything unusual happens then”

Heavy footsteps wandered off, and the ship became silent.

“Now what?” Asked Mac

“We wait until 23:00 to make our escape. Did you think Flagon was just making conversation?”, Obiwagadugi said.

“And then?”, asked Mac.

“We need to connect S2D2 to the central computer. We need to find out where the controller for the tractor beam is.”

23:00 rolled around quickly enough. We exited the Falcon with no incident. Apparently Flagon had arranged a distraction for the guards. A couple of rec-ho’s from the sounds of it.

We found a dataport, S2D2 hooked up. I gazed around the corner, and noticed a room crammed with people studiously looking over what appeared to be computer code. Apparently it was from some company called ‘IBM’ whatever that meant.

I wandered back to the droids. BR3N said “S2D2 has come up with some quite interesting information.”

“Anything about that room?”, I asked.

“Yes, apparently it has to do with a 10,000 year old court case. They are trying to prove a company called IBM misappropriated something called ‘SysV’”

“And they have been doing this for 10K years?”

“Apparently, yes. And there is more. There is a court case between something called ‘Red Hat’ and something called ‘SCO’ that a judge is planning to rule on. Oh yes, and the ship date for Longhorn has slipped again”

“Eureka, I found it”, came an excited voice shouted from the room.

“So what is the answer?”, he was asked.

“42"

-- SCOXE Wars Pt 10 The End of the Saga : Msg: 241689
JUST kidding. Heck, I haven’t made it halfway through the first movie, let alone the saga yet. I am too lazy to look up the last message number though, and the list is getting too long to post each time anyway. I will have to think about it. Anyway, on to the story.

“Does S2D2 have any USEFUL information to our predicament?” I asked.

“Useful in what way?”, BR3N gave me, with a ‘Deer in the headlights’ (aka - Dan Quayle) look.

“TRACTOR BEAM CONTROLLER?”, I screamed.

“Oh yes, that, S2 found it. Third quadrant, second level, he can display a map to it.”.

“Great did he find anything else useful?”

“No, except that Princess Anakareena, is being held captive here.”, BR3N replied.

“Are you sure of that?”, Obiwagadugi questioned.

“Very”, BR3N replied huffily. Did you think I got it from Groklaw?

“The PJ Nights had a split BR3N, this is not the proper time or place to remark upon it”, Obiwagadugi replied. “It will be addressed in due time”. “Where is the princess being held?”

“Fourth Quadrent, fifth level, third corridor, second door on right”, BR3N replied.

“We apparently need to split up”, Obiwagadugi pointed out. “I suggest Mac, Luke, and the Biffie rescue the princess. Dio, the droids, and myself will destroy the controller for the Tractor beam”

“Why do I get Luke?”, Mac protested.

“Strangely enough, you will need him. The remaining toad is just a bonus”, Obiwagadugi replied.

“So if Flagon is on our side, why is the princess a prisoner here?”, Mac pressed.

“Anybody who was on hjweth a short while ago is no longer with us. The only way Flagon had to save anybody was to imprison them. We have directions on how to rescue her. Um, do you think Flagon does not know about the central core computer system?”

“Doesn’t the emperor know about the central core too?”, Mac asked.

“He probably does”, I replied. “But he left a flunky to watch it. A guy named Chris Sontag. I think we are fairly safe”

The die was cast, we split ways. Meanwhile, elsewhere...

The cell door opened. A large ominous presence entered, along with some minions.

“Well Darth Flagon, I should have realized you were at the end of the Emperor’s leash. So how are you going to get information out of me?”, Princess Anakareena asked.

“You mean like how you hid the plans to the Baystar in S2D2, and sent it to Obiwagadugi in the hopes he could get them to the alliance, er, got it covered.

“So what do you need from me”, Anakareena asked, visibly shaken.

“Nothing, just wanted you to know you are about to be rescued. Do not hate me when you find what the rescue team consists of”, Flagon replied.

“And you are not afraid this room is bugged?”, Anakareena questioned.

“Yo peragirn, what do you think?”. Peragirn displayed an evil grin. “Not a danged chance chief”

“Await your saviors princess. Be very afraid when they arrive”

“They are well on their way Flagon, we should leave”, peragirn pointed out after looking at his monitor.

“And the other group?”

“Some interference in the way. Dio and Obiwagadugi can handle it”

“Good”, Flagon concluded. Until later princess.

Flagon and party left. There was a brief pause, and then some slight commotion outside the door to the cell.

“You know how to work this lock kid?”

“O WOW”, Luke replied.

“Biffie?”

Something slammed on the door, hard. To no avail.

“Hey sweety, how do we get in?”, Mac asked.

Anakareena briefly considered not telling them.

“The super secret password is ‘Let me in’”, she replied.

“Let me the fsck in works too”, she added.

-- SCOXE Wars Pt 11 Hard Cell : Msg: 242036

Let me the fsck in”, Mac commanded the door. It swung open, and Mac, Luke and the Biffie rushed in.

“NO! WAIT! STOP!”, Anakareena shouted, but it was too late. The Cell door swung shut.

“Great, I have been rescued by Moe, Larry, and Hairy”, Anakareena observed.. Just then the toad jumped out of Luke’s robe, and started hopping across the floor, Luke in hot pursuit.

“I don’t want to know”, Anakareena decided.

Catch, >SLURP<

“I told you I didn’t want to know”, Anakareena remarked, as she turned several shades of green. “So, OK Moe. How do we get out?”, she asked Mac.

“We just say the magic phrase again”, Mac said.

“Mac, this is a jail cell, not the Paris Hilton. It does not open on command from the inside”, Anakareena observed.

“Shaved or Unshaved?”, Mac commented.

Anakareena just shook her head. “Hey Luke, care to share that toad? It is starting to look good”

“WOOT! WOOT”, exclaimed the Biffie, and tried to pound the door again, with similar negative effects.

Up in the control room, Peragirn finished cleaning off his keyboard and monitor. “Hey boss, I think we will need to up the equipment budget if this goes on much longer.”

Flagon just chucked. “The princess’s ‘saviors’ are in trouble I assume?”

“You could say that. They managed to lock themselves in the cell. Shall I let them loose, er lose?”

“Not yet. The door to cell_one_oh_one obviously needs to have a malfunction, but let’s not give them time to get in more trouble. How is the other group doing?”

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

“Storm Troopers”, I yelled, “Take cover!”
We ducked behind some bulkheads as a volley of blaster fire swept past us. I pulled my blaster to return fire.

“No, don’t do it!”, warned Obiwagadugi.

“Why?”, I asked.

“That is how they target you”, he replied. “They can’t really ‘see’ out of those helmets. They are using a virtual reality program based on the Windows for Wargroups operating system, ver 3.11. Set your gun on delayed auto fire, and toss it well behind us in that corridor.

With much misgivings, I did as Obiwagadugi said. I heaved the blaster, and it fell about 50 feet behind us. The Storm Trooper blaster fire immediately shifted direction, blowing it further back. The blaster then went off, and the Storm Troopers went nuts, charging down the corridor, shooting like mad, and ignoring us completely. A ‘lucky’ shot sent the blaster over a ledge, and down a thousand foot drop to a steel floor below. The whole squad of storm troopers followed it. Apparently they lacked either anti-gravity or jet propulsion units. We heard the ‘splats’ as they reached their target.

I looked at Obiwagadugi quizzingly.

“10 years, and Microsoft still has security holes”, he observed.

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

“The other group is doing fine boss”, Peragirn observed.

“Fine, keep track of them, and let the Stooges loose when they reach the tractor beam controller”, Flagon replied.

“Did you mean ‘lose’ boss”, Peragirn quiped.

Flagon gave him a scathing look. “Keep that up, and you will end up like Dio”

Peragirn gulped, and wisely remained silent.

--SCOXE Wars Pt 12 A Controlling Interest : Msg: 242553, Msg: 242557

Our party advanced to the tractor beam controller without further delay.

“What now?”, I asked.

“Now comes S2D2 before the court...”, Obiwagadugi said.

S2D2 approached the controller... extended his probe... and was repulsed by a force field.

“OK, so time for plan B”, Obiwagadugi observed. “I thought Flagon was going to take care of this”.

“Flagon is not free to mess with security to this extent without being noticed, and it would not due to gain Sir Bill’s notice at this point”, I remarked,. “So what is plan B?”

“My plan B was to ask you what your plan B was”, Obiwagadugi replied honestly. “Have any ideas?”

“You PJ Nights are into yoga, meditation, and soothing thoughts, right?”, I replied.

“Of course”, Obiwagadugi responded.

“Well now is the time to have them. We cannot solve this puzzle. The other team has to advance”

“Buzz, whirr, clank”, S2D2 commented.

“Translation Mrs BR3N?”

“She said god help us”

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

”They reached it”, Peragirn said. “And they are stuck”

“Of course”, Flagon replied. “Release the clowns. Then pray”

Peragrin made it so. “Well they have the princess with them now anyway”, he commented.

“Let’s all hope they listen to her”, Flagon said.

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

“Look sweetheart, I do not intend to stay here forever”, Mac started.
“Fine by me. Figure out how to open the door then”, Anakareena replied.

Just then, the door opened.

“What the...”, Mac started, “I mean, do you believe in me now?”

“Out. Let’s get out BEFORE IT CLOSES AGAIN!”, Anakareena ended up screaming, and ran out of the cell.

Mac and Luke just stood there stunned, the Biffie had the presence of mind to leave with Anakareena. The door swung shut.

“WOOOORRR”, the Biffie said.

“Yeah, I think we should leave them there too, but it could get Flagon in trouble”, Anakareena sighed. “Let me in”, she mumbled half-heartedly.

The cell door opened, and Mac and Luke popped out. “Let‘s boogie baby!”, Mac exclaimed. “Blech!”, added Luke in the nearest trash can.

“Let’s... just... go....”, Anakareena said through gritted teeth.

They successfully journeyed about 10 yards before they ran into a patrol.

“Escaped prisoners in quadrant 4. Engaging recapture mode, level 7 dead or alive”, the leader reported.

“Biffie, find us an exit. Mac, DO NOT FIRE ON THEM”. Biffie listened, Mac did not. He fired, the resulting counter fire got much more accurate as a result. Biffie found a door, pounded on it, and for a change it opened. “OOOWEE”, it announced. “IN, IN, IN” Anakareena screamed, they entered the room, waist deap in, er waste. They were not followed.

“What is that smell?”, Anakareena asked as her eyes swelled with tears.

“OMIGOD, a latrine toad”, Luke enthused, as he picked it up out of the slime.

Just then there was the sound of heavy hydraulics, and the room started getting smaller...

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

“Progress report?”, snapped Flagon, who watched Peragirn ROTFLOL with distaste.

“Good news and bad news Oh Great One”, Peragirn gasped. “Good news, they escaped. Bad news, they are in a latrine compacter for division C. Further bad news, the Squad leader is a member of that division, and pressed the compact button”

“And the story ends happily I hope”, Flagon pointed out.

>-- I need to be less verbose. This is the rest of the ending:

“There is a second exit, and it is right in front of the button that disables the force field on the tractor beam controller. And the compacter is not high security for obvious reasons. And...”, Peragirn continued, as he pressed a button, “I just opened it”

-- SCOXE Wars Pt 13 Crap Happens... : Msg: 243210

-- SCOXE Wars Pt 14 REGROUP! : Msg: 243606